lumy
Hello
all ...I have been married with my husband for nearly 8 years ....we have 2
kids ...3 years ago we start to have less sex sometimes we do it once per 3-6
months ...I have been sending him to dr to have test done ...the dr told him
his hormones are low and that he needs treatment but till now no dr give him
medication....I have been talking with him about our situation and he always
tells me a different story ....I did put weight on after I had my second baby
...but now I'm trying to lose weight and to take care of my self again ...but
even and that does not attract him anymore ....I don't know what to do anymore
.....I don't want to have an affaire with anybody because I love him very much
and I still feel very attracted to him a lot ...sometimes I don't know what to
do with my self I want him so much :(( ....he always tells me that he loves me
and he cannot imagine his life with out me ....but on the other side nothing
happens ...it does hurt very much to love somebody so much and not to be able
to touch them ....sometimes I sleep on the couch because If he touches me I
melt but I know nothing will happen so I get very upset on him ....I'm 35 years
old and I can't believe my sexual life it's so bad ....I recon sometimes I feel
sick from lack of sex ...I'm sure many of u gets that ...in 2 weeks he goes to
a different dr I hope they can fix his problem :( thank u
xxxx32
Its
been 6 mnths 4 our marriage and 1 and half year 4 our relation..v never had
sex.he has never kissed me on his own.bt he loves me.i thought itd loss of
libido.bt den it has 2 b transient.yestrday he told me he never get se ual urge
4 me though he gets erections wit random hot girls.plz help me
blankenship375
My
husband and I been married for 2yrs I may 3rd. We've known one another for
7yrs. Before then our sex life was great really great. Now I'm 29 and he's 30.
We have 2 kids 5 & 2ages. Idk what happen but now our sex left is bad like
he won't touch me anymore or come near me. We moved down to the south to be
closer to his family or to get breaks when we need it. That doesn't happen a
lot eaither. Anyway we use to have sex 2 to 3 times a week and now it doesn't
happen. I've sent him hints and texts and suing other things to get him to see
that I want him. He had from time to time looked at porn on his phone cuz I
looked. I've asked him about it and he says no all the time. Idk if he is
sexually attracted to me anymore. He tells me he is but I know in my heart I
want more. I've even just wear tshirts to bed now and wear sexy underwear and
still nothing. help please. What can I do to make him want me 😩
jborklund
My
husband and I had a very healthy and frequent sex life until about 2 years ago.
Now we only have sex when he wants it and that is becoming less and less. If I
put on some thing sexy and try to initiate sex he always has a excuse for not
wanting to. He has been seen by a doctor for a physical and nothing was
abnormal but they didn't check his hormones but I don't understand what his
problem is. He says it isn't me and he has cheated in the past but isn't at the
moment so I just don't know anymore it is ruining out marriage
Verysad
I've
been married for 11years 2kids. No sex on my wedding day, throughout our
marriage sex happened only when he wanted and that was about 3 times a year.
When I ask for more he starts looking up studies that shows married couples
don't have sex often. He makes excuses like he's tired or not feeling well.
Sometimes he tells me in advance don't ask and gives a excuse. I even ask to
pleasure him and his response is“ you don't have yo",I know he's not
cheating there is a 6 year age difference with me being younger so I'm
wondering if that's the issue. I always want sex and he never does. I don't
want to change my lifestyle and don't want to answer questions by my family so
not looking for divorce. I considering cheating. I'm sexy ,still young and I
really want to be satisfied sexually. I'm so frustrated it's driving me crazy.
Verysad
I've
been married for 11years 2kids. No sex on my wedding day, throughout our
marriage sex happened only when he wanted and that was about 3 times a year.
When I ask for more he starts looking up studies that shows married couples
don't have sex often. He makes excuses like he's tired or not feeling well.
Sometimes he tells me in advance don't ask and gives a excuse. I even ask to
pleasure him and his response is“ you don't have yo",I know he's not
cheating there is a 6 year age difference with me being younger so I'm
wondering if that's the issue. I always want sex and he never does. I don't
want to change my lifestyle and don't want to answer questions by my family so
not looking for divorce. I considering cheating. I'm sexy ,still young and I
really want to be satisfied sexually. I'm so frustrated it's driving me crazy.
I
have been married for 3 years & sex it pretty non existing. We never had
sex on our honeymoon!!! We have had sex 5x in 4yrs (1 yr dating)!!! He loves
for me to get him off but no intercourse at all. I don't understand what's
wrong with me?! He has a rx of Viagra but he won't take them (that was $300
down the drain)! I have tried to talk to him about my needs but he just says
I'm sorry. Couple of months ago, out of nowhere, he wanted to separate/divorce.
I told him I would not sign the papers but now I'm wondering if I should have.
I'm so lonely, scared, depressed, no self esteem. What do I do? Brenda :-(
Lonelyanddesperate
I
am 28 and husband is 45. We have been married 9 years. It was great in
beginning and up until I had our child. The child is 8. My husband is an
alcoholic. Did recreational drugs when we first got together but did stop
those. Used to drink a pint of whiskey and beer every evening. Quit the whiskey
and started drinking strong beer anywhere from 12 to 20 per evening. Has an ex
wife whom he claims he loathes. Claims she cheated on him with the bread man at
work and he does not trust women. Has 2 grown children from that marriage. The
daughter would not spit on him if he were on fire. The son uses him for what
money he can get from him and will not have anything to do with him when he
dosen't give him any. He raised son from age 12 to 17 when they finally put him
in a juvenile home for drug use. Husband let him do as he pleased (claimed he
was trying to make up for lost years) and now cries when the boy messes up and
claims he didn't raise him that way. But when the boy comes around he belittles
him constantly. About 5 years ago a couple across the street from his buddy
liked to have public sex and were straight up raunchy. Husband went to hang out
with buddy and didn't come home that night. Came home next morning and that
following night we had incredible sex. About 2 weeks later it was told to me
that my husband had sex with the woman and her boyfriend woke up and caught
them. My husbands buddys girlfriend even said-the buddy said he would rather
stay out of it. Husband still denies it till this day. About 3 years ago he
developed a hard knot in his penis and it twisted up and became crooked. It no
longer works. It might become semi erected (I stress maybe the very end) but
that is only for about 1 minute so we resorted to toys and oral but that is
about it. Now he will not even do that. He tells me to go out and find another
man and leave him alone. If I don't ask then he claims I am sleeping with
someone else and gets angry. We have had a violent marriage. He has been locked
up for beating me and stabbing me with a knife in the chest about 5 years ago
from a mixture of alcohol and pills(he went crazy out of the blue). He
belittles me constantly and everything I do is wrong. Just about every evening
he screams at me that I ruined his life. If I work a job that has men working
there I am having an affair. If I don't work a job with men around then I want
to go out and look for someone to have an affair with. If I cook its not what
he wants and he throws a temper tantrum and slings it all over the kitchen so I
don't bother cleaning the kitchen before bed anymore I just do it in the
morning now. If I fold his socks even though you can clearly see they match he
claims they don't. For the last couple of months if I sit down beside of him
and try to hug him he will elbow me or punch me in the top of the leg and get
up and go out on the porch to smoke and drink a beer. He talks to his mom on
the phone constantly and anyone else he can think of for hours every evening
just to stay away from me. He is nice to our child 95 percent of the time
(usually when he acts up makes up for the 5 percent). He can be screaming at me
and calling me by his new name for me Dumb F*** and my son walk in the room and
he will stop and hug and kiss him. If I ask our child to do something my
husband will tell him no and tells him to do the exact opposite. Does anyone
have any suggestions on what to do? I am only 28. Did I sign up for this to be
my life forever with him? My mom and dad says he is this old and will not
change if he hasn't by now. Any thoughts would be nice. Thanks
Verysad
That's
sounds terrible. So sorry to hear. You should speak to a counsellor or
physiologist . I can't tell you what to do , but you will know once you get
some professional guidance.
palmsunsets
I
have been married for 2 1/2 months! We are both 21. I am 5'1 and 120 lb... A
brunette with blue eyes and all my friends say I look like Megan Fox...so I
would think the attraction wouldn't be the issue. He is a very sweet person and
I know for a fact he does not cheat. He always lets me borrow his computer/iphone
when i'd like to check FB or my email. He locks nothing. I do his
laundry...trust me when I say he is not cheating. He rarely watches porn...the
sad thing is when he isn't home I find myself watching it just so I can have a
'sexual' encounter/pleasure for that day. I am way too young to be having sex
3-4 times a week. I am the kind of person who needs it almost everyday. It
makes me feel close to him, it's fun, it relieves stress and it makes me feel
wanted/attractive. But...he makes me feel like there is something wrong with
me. I can count on my hands how many times he has told me I am
beautiful...which hurts. I hear it from everyone...but I want to hear it from
him. What will I do when we get older and what if I gain a little bit of age as
I age?! Will his odd 'sometimes' desire for me go down even further! Someone
please help me. I am so depressed and confused.
kia7105
I've
been married to my husband for 2 years. We usually have sex 4/5 times a week if
not 7 days a week. It's been a week since the last time we had sex.. I have
laid beside him necked for 3 days and he has not touch me, Whats really going
on???
yamini
gud
evening mam, as my husband is in medication for convergence. he is not so
interested to have sex what would be the reason if i go near to him he rejects
me and i am in such a condition that i can't express my feelings. so can you
plz suggest me
dawnmichael
No
sure what medication that is but i do know with some medications there is a
lack of desire involved, is your husband ill? Don't blame yourself for the
rejection, but also talk with him more about this and find out if the
medication is affecting his sex drive.
o
Ria85
When
he initiates sex i always please him even at unexpected times but the problem
is Whenever i want to have sex (meaning initiating) it's a bunch of
excuses...I'm tired,i got to work early,i took muscle relaxer, my head hurts..i
mean he'll cuddle and foreplay with me and then when
we're about to be intimate he's not hard!!!!!
dawnmichael
He
may be feeling pressure, or stressed, there are many reasons that he may be
losing his erection. What I often times recommend to couples is to talk about
taking turns initiating sex, this takes the pressure off of the situation. One
night you are the one pleasing him and initiating and the next night or days
later then it is his turn and you come up with times that you are intimate with
each other, it is important to work on that part of the relationship.
Unloved
I
have been married for 5 years and feel unloved and unhappy. Over the years I
have given everything to my husband. Support, love, affection and attention.
Even after all this he had several "emotional" affairs, nothing
sexually. After 3 years of marriage he didn't want to have sex that much
anymore. We will have had sex maby every second month that year. The last 2
years we only had sex 3 times. I have asked him several times if there is
something wrong. He says nothing wrong. I asked him if we can go to marriage
counseling. He said we don't need it. I tried a few times to iniciate sex he
rejected me. When I ask him if there is something wrong with me, he will just
get angry and tell me there is nothing wrong with me. One time I was so sad and
started crying. He told me that I cannot get sex all the time and that there
was something wrong with me for wanting to have sex. I don't know what to do. I
am still young and will like to have children one day. But this seem impossible
to achieve with this man. It has been 8 months now since the last time we have
been intimate. I love him and will tell him everyday I am still attracted to
him. He just have a lack of caring if he makes me feel rejected, unloved and
ugly. He is not gay, he is not depressed and he is not cheating. Other men
always give me attention, but I always make sure my husband know he is the one
that does it for me. Lately I am just scared to even touch him. Afraid of what
he will think of me. I am at a point of my life where I cannot take this treatment
anymore, but I love him and don't want to leave him. Does anybody have ideas
what I can do to help my husband?
dawnmichael
This
is not normal and your husband may be having problems with erections, lack of
desire or fears that he is not sharing with you. Let him know that you are not
happy with the current situation and that he needs to talk to a sex therapist
about his situation or the two of you seek one out. If he is not willing to do
that then you need to speak with a therapist and then he may eventually join in
or not, but at least you are getting some help and can decide what to do,
because this is not normal a healthy marriage.
Lisa
my
husband & I have been together for 10 years. It became quickly apparent
that he had a low libido, but unfortunately it was far worse than I thought a
mans could be. It has been over 2 years since we last had sex, or we're
intimate. I could count the number Of times we've had sex in the last 5 years
on 2 hands. I found that going on a high dose pill helped reduce my libido so I
could cope. The side effects though are severe migraines, so I have now gone
off the pill & now I don't know how I'm going to cope. It's a pity affairs
aren't acceptable in these situations.
o
Lisa
Actually,
this is his THIRD affair. He openly told me about going to see this woman for a
scheduled weekend. He says he's going to decide whether he wants to spend his
life with me or move on to this relationship permanently. He's moved money into
an account I can't see or have any access to. And I think he got a PO box too;
To hide mail from me. All during this time, my mother has had a massive stroke,
I love him. He's my soul mate...or I thought he was. I am torn as to whether i
should divorce him. We have been in a sexless marriage for more than a year,
and any input would be welcome....
dawnmichael
My
advice it to separate, so that you can get away from the situation and clear
your head. Sometimes people don't understand that it is not only psychological
but biology plays a part in it as well. Distance from him will help so that
those feeling of pain that can be caused by pheromones, chemistry and other
factors can be eliminated, and you can make a rational decision on what you
need to do.
o
Ellen
I
dont think when a husband gets to where he does not want anything to do with
you, you cant change that. Your only choice is to leave unless you want to get
treated bad for the rest of your life. I have been with my husband for 7 years
married for 4. It changed alot since we have been married and it does nothing
but gets worse. I understand what you guys are talking about when you love
someone as much as i love my husband it is hard just to give up. Because that
means you have felled in your marriage. But you cant be the only one that is
trying your spouse he has to try to and when he gives up or just dont care.
That leaves you no choice but to do what is best for yourself. I love my
husband more than anything and i would do or try anything to hold us together.
But i am sick of living in a sexless marriage that feels like living with a
room mate instead of a petson that loves you. When stuff happens i feel like i
am alone and dealing with it myself. I dont feel like i have someone standing
beside me they are standing behide me. We have kids together and i was rasied
without a father i dont want my kids to. But living with someone that does not
love you knowing that you can have someone that does love, repect you. It just
seems easier instead of being sad and depression everyday to just leave that
trouble you have behide. Life is how you make it. You can make it sad or make
youself happy. You are the only person that can change it.
o
Lydia
I
am 21 years old and have been married for a one and a half years. My husband is
so kind and loving I know he is not having an aware or gay but well he just
isn't interested. Twice I have broken down in tears and talked to him about it
and he is so sorry he says he will try to change and we usually have make up
sex but then nothing happens . One week will go buy then two some times three
and nothing . I try to mix things up but he will just go to sleep its so har I
feel like I'm not good enough for him !
dawnmichael
It
is not you, the two of you have to schedule a time to be intimate at least one
a week and make it fun. This is a partnership and the intimacy is something
that defines the relationship and It is not acceptable for you to be feeling
this way.
marc1987
I
think men are feeling left out. I have been with my wife for 9 years. Im 25 and
really dont enjoy having sex. I still love my wife and would do anything for
her within my capability but as a man i feel like a 2nd class citizen in
society because it seems that men are called perverts for wanting to have lots
of sex, then when we dont want to have it we are accused of doing things and
also accused of not taking our wives feelings into consideration. women make up
your minds and stop sending your men mixed signals. when you play games with a
mans head, its only natural for him to feel confused. society in general needs
to start treating men abit better and women need to stop condemning men for
being men. its good that women are equal in terms of human rights but I
personally think women are going a step too far by expecting "wear the
trousers" in the relationship. its a common occurance in todays society
and im afraid if men do not feel like men anymore, then how can you expect them
to function naturally? Im not saying to allow your man to mistreat you but i am
saying to try and be abit more submissive at times, and try not to disrespect
him or make him feel like a child.
Liana
Hi,
I am not officially marry, but in a commited relationship for 3 years. I am 22
years old and my partner is 24. We have 2 kids. When we started dating sex was
not an issue at all we had sex almost every day, after the first year it slowed
down I had my first child and sex was nearly twice or three times a week, which
is not bad at all. I recently had my second child, sex dropped down to once a
week now:( he also started managing a new store, whih means longer hours, but
to make it clear he makes his own schedule he chooses his days and hours....
To be honest I am a very romantic and loving person, I take care of myself, I
am always trying to do new things to keep it fun, its just not happening when I
confronted him about it he saids he is tired, I know for a fact he is not gay
or having an affair. It's just hard for me and makes me feel that I am no
longer attractive to him or that I have bored him! We haven't had sex in a
month, he tried to show affection by cuddling at night, but it just seems like
he is doing it to please me.
dawnmichael
He
may be feeling overwhelmed with a new child work, so give him some alone time
with you once a week and make it a point to be intimate. This can be giving him
a massage or rubbing his hair, start off by doing that and see if it naturally
turns into a loving sexual moment.
ASF
I
feel so good now I read your comments, I don't feel like I am the only one who
is having this issue. We have been married for 8 years and have 2 kids, he is
not really into sex. We had lots of ups and downs but we were always able to go
back to our normal life. It's been over 2 months now, he hasn't touched me or
even said a romantic word. Ok I understand if he doesn't want sex that often
but the thing that he is not interested in me anymore, no words no feelings,
actually nothing I feel like that I live with a roomate. I am still young and I
am a beautiful young woman, I hear so many compliments about the way I dress up
and the way I look from everybody except him. I cannot explain his behavior at
all, the only thing I am thinking about is that he is having an affair. I don't
know what to do I am so depressed.
dawnmichael
What
I would do is tell him how much you appreciate him, make him feel like your
man. Sometimes as women we are so overwhelmed by children daily life that our
husbands just become the last person we give attention to, and then one we
wonder what happened to the marriage, not saying that happened with you, but
this is what many men have expressed to me in counseling sessions.
bbibleblog
Interesting
and informative article. From all the comments, it is clear that this topic
helped many, at least to open up what they have been holding and suffering
silently. And most of these mentioned issues can be treated only if both
partners are willing to do something about it. After all, ask the Lord to help
for the ways or directions, how to resolve such situations and ailments.
HNK
Hi,
My husband hasn't had sex with me since our daughter was born (she's now 8
months), actually we haven't had sex since I got pregnant. I called him up on
it and at first he told me its because he can't bring himself to have sex with
me when our daughter is in the room. After a month he told me I'm not stimulating
enough, than he said its because I'm not Romantic enough. His most recent
excuse is that he's tired. I actually lost weight after giving birth (about 12
lbs). I now weigh less than what I weighed before I got pregnant. I feel like
I'm married to my brother (if I had one). I'm feeling more and more depressed
and frustrated and I feel that I'm losing those romantic feeling I had for my
husband. It just feels like I'm coming home to my roommate. I tried stuff...
once on a drive I took off my panties and told him to hold on to them. When we
got home I got on top of him and told him that he has something that belongs to
me. The sex lasted exactley 5 minutes and then he told me he's tired. I just
don't really know what to do.
dawnmichael
I
am not saying that this has happened to your husband or not, but there is a
small percentage of men that have a complex called the Madonna whore complex, I
don't agree with it entirely but there are some aspects that are true. The
basis is that now that you are a mother you are no longer his sex partner he
sees you differently and is not able to have sex with you as a mother. Look up
the term to see if any of the characteristics fit your husbands actions, then
talk with him about it. He may not even be aware of it himself.
sim
Hi,
I have the most wonderful husband who has tons of love and affection for me ..
but he is just not into sex. I am a very sexual person and when I talk to him
about how I feel he feels it very unappealing. The fact that I keep wanting to
have sex apparently turns him off, so I have tried not asking him. Still no
change. I am not really over weight. I have gained maybe 10 lbs over the past
12 years since we are married. We still have sex now and then , maybe once a
month. or once in 2 months. but it has to be his call. He never wants to do it
when I want it. I know he is not cheating and he is probably busy at work, but
then he is always busy at work. I am just frustrated and cranky all days and it
makes me so depressed. He is always nice to me.. saying he loves me and giving
me small compliments, but everything feels like brotherly love when there is no
physical intimacy! :( I am just out of ideas what to do anymore!
reader
You
just told my story!! I can't believe there's someone else living and feeling
the same as I am. Doesn't fix the problem but it sure is relieving just to know
I am not the only one because just like the article says, it is hard to talk
about it... Thank you for sharing
NFW
Sexless
marriages and relationships are really hard to deal with for me. I have an
amazing husband who I feel truly cares about me. However, he never wants to
have sex. We should still be in our honeymoon stage, but, Have never been in a
honeymoon stage. We have not even been married a year yet and We have sex maybe
once or twice a month. When I think about our sexless mariage I shut down and
dont even want to try. Being in a marriage with no sex makes me feel really bad
about myself and makes me feel really self conscious. A man needs to let their
wives know that they are attracted to them sexually. I have brought it up
repeatably and he says that its because we dont connect socially. How does
social connection have anything to do with sex. I think it is just an excuse. I
have now gotten to the point where I dont bring it up anymore. Now I suck it up
and deal with it. However I am starting to get really down on myself
physically. I am not overweight but being a female I feel like I am ugly due to
this. It is really hard to take and I am scared it will only get worse if
things dont change. I dont know how much longer I can feel like this and be
okay.
o
Stephanie
Hi,
I have been dealing with this for 18 years. I know it is because my husband is porn
addict and uses all of his sexual energy on porn. He is ashamed to admit it.
Seldom does, but I find it on his computor. Men who struggle with porn will
make you feel that you are imagining things or that you are trying to be
controlling. They will find ways to blame you for their problem. Get out. Don't
waste all of your years with him. Confront him and be honest and be strong and
if he doesn't say he wants help or change==get out. dont be like me and waste
your life with a man who prefers porn and then denies it.
T
I'm
in the same boat as you. we've been married for 8 months, and we're lucky if we
have sex every 2 weeks...and that's after i've complained to him. He's a great
man and we love eachother a lot, we just don't have sex. When I ask him what's
going on, he says we shouldn't make sex a chore and when it happens, it
happens. I don't feel like he's attracted to me, I don't know what's going on,
and I'm just getting more and more insecure. It's consumed my thoughts and I
don't even want to go home to him anymore
petra
i
am with my husband 8 years and from start we have sex one a week..later one a
month then twice a year and now for two years nothing.In past i start to speak
about it with him and he say he is stressed from work and he know he hurting me
and it will change.I go every summer to Europe where i come from and this time
he always promising change his sexual act to me most even i dont bring up that
problem.
I think he is just worry when i am not home with him for that long i may find
someone alse,because he know he is not giving me what he should.I think i am
atractive woman and i know he like how i look, he also really love me and we
have no other problems....but lately i start to think about maybe i need change
my life from be safe to be happy.No sex with someone i love i find extremly
hurting.
I am 39 years old marriage 8 years and thinking about my life without sex...NO
i am still to jung for not having that intimacy with my man.
Sorry for my English :-)
susan
My husband and I have been married for almost 20 yrs now. We've always had
passionate sex and our relationship has been good until last year. He had an
affair with another woman for almost a year. Sex and feelings were involved,
but kept having sex with me as well and I had no idea anything was going on.
Anyways, he has now ended the affair after I found out and told him he had to
make a choice, either me or her...he chose me and to try to work on our
marriage.
Ever since then, his sex drive has gone down and I feel like he doesn't want me
anymore. I am 43 yrs old, in good shape and take care of myself and so does he.
We are still going to therapy and dealing with the infidelity and marital
issues etc, but we are both happy with the way things are going and for now are
going to stay together.
Both are happy with our jobs, we find time to spend together and try not to let
the everyday life drown all of our energy...so what is the problem? I have a
very high sex drive at the moment and it just really hurts that he doesn't want
me...what can I do about this?
o
·
Angela
My
husband and I have been together for 16 years. Sex was great before we lived
together 8 plus years ago. But the day I moved in it was all over!!! I work out
try to stay in shape, I cook and clean to make sure everything is nice for him
when he comes home. I also work 40 hours a week and pay half the bills so im
not a lazy low life. What the heck happened. ? Why does he not desire me???
o
boy problems
ok
so for some reason i dont like having sex i dont know why i love my girl friend
to peaces and we have been together for ages, after reading all these comments
i have decided to seek medical advise first thing monday, my girl firend is
exstreemly loyal to me and i can never understand why i dont want it we argue
every day about this and it been that way for about a year now, i cant
understand i think i got problem we always fight she always starts the fight i
stay up playing games all night coz im scared if i wake her we will fight
again, i have no problems in the sex department, still get my morning glory
ect! kinda worried though i really dont want to loose this girl, when we got to
gether i was kicked out about 6 times coz i wanted to be with her i actualy
lived with my nan for 2 weeks and walked over 4 miles (thats 8 miles there and
back) just to spend 2 hours a day with her, so im no joke i do love her but i
just dont know any more im scared and even righting this i want to cry, im a
very sensative boy as well (deffently not gay as i dont get on with any gays at
all) at the same time as saying im always emotionless when shes arround, shes
broke my trust so many time befor, she hasnt cheated but just on silly things
like if i rob some (coke cola) of my mum she will tell her, small things that
shouldnt make me hate her but all we do is fight and fight and everything is
always my fault this is the first time ive opened up in a long time and to be
100% honest im actauly gunna coppy and paste this and show my doctor so he/ she
can see what i mean, i dont know what to do any more !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i
actualy laugh and stare death in the face!!! about once a month i also trun to
self harm (not cutting my self but like mentaly, how ever syaing this ive
resently gave upp smoking and smoking waki so im hopefully gunna be feeling
beter soon, really think its time i found some help !
FW
While
I'm not technically married, I've been in a committed,basically sexless
relationship for three years -- he's 23 and I'm 21. When my boyfriend and I got
together, he was a virgin and I was not. The first time we had sex, his summary
comment was, "I could have done that with my own hand." That's been the
theme of our sex life ever since. Before we moved in together, he'd make
excuses not to have sex, saying that we didn't have enough time or privacy.
We've now lived together for a year, and I'm lucky if we have sex once or twice
a month. I've talked to him about it, and he says he prefers masturbation over
sex because it's "less work." I'm fairly certain he's not gay or
cheating on me, and I've done nothing to discourage him to my knowledge (I
routinely fake orgasms with him because I don't want him to get discouraged on
top of everything else.) When we do have sex, he does it for my benefit, not
his. It's not the big elephant in the room that it used to be, but we're
considering getting married and I don't know if a sexless relationship is going
to spell disaster for a later marriage.,
dawnmichael
Before
getting married get help for this problem because it will only get worse. Sex
should be fun in a relationship not a chore, and to think about spending the
rest of your life with a man that you are not going to be able to share that
joy with only spells a marriage of misery, and then throw kids into the mix,
down the line you most likely will end up being a single mom. Take the time now
to prevent a problem for yourself in the future!
JNB
OMGoodness,
please don't marry him!! This is an important part of a relationship that will
wear on you over time, trust me!! I've been married for 2 years now and we have
sex but not nearly as much as I want and need...and when we do, I feel like
it's cause I've made it such an issue that he just gives it to me. It's not a
good feeling :( Physically intimacy is the only thing your husband acan give
you that no one else can, at least that's the way it's supposed to be. I can
find other friendships, other people to talk to but sexually intimacy is the only
thing I am supposed to get only from my husband. I encourage you to please wait
and really think about this, if it's bothering you now, just wait when you've
had to deal with it for years!!
o
o
RM
Me
and my husband have not even been married for a year. I am 22 and he is 25. We
have sex if im lucky once a week, we both work similar schedules and have no
kids. most times i have to beg him for sex. he tells me he loves me and finds
me attractive but he just is not a sexual person. i am fit and so is he, we also
waited to have sex until we got married which was especially hard for me
because i am an extremely sexual person, and he used to tell me all the time
how much he couldnt wait to have sex but now its barely there and i feel as
though a newly married couple our age should be having sex much more then we
are. i tell him how much i want to have sex and he tells me hes just not in the
mood, i dont know what to do anymore. i love him and i know he loves me but at
this rate i dont see our marriage lasting for the rest of my life.
RJ
I've
been married for just a year and a half we have a very busy household but do
get the evenings to ourselves as the children have strict bed times, my husband
won't even consider sex at night it's always got to b in the morning, sex is
quick, kind of I'm alright jack leaves me even worse and id rather he didnt
bother, he always does it the same way, and just 2-3 times at the most in the
first week of the month, thats it, I cry a lot cause I feel unloved, un
attractive and when I try to make a move I'm always told NO, im not like most i
need sex sort of expression you hear from a man but after 9 kids im definitely
a women, what should I do, wish I had never remarried was better when we were
dating, well not much better but a bit, he has stopped smoking and is always
going on about how much weight he has put on, but I always tell him it doesn't
bother me, but that makes no difference, can't believe I'm considering saying
goodbye just because he won't have sex more often, I love him a lot and I'm
sure he loves me too, maybe its his age being 45 plus, I've tired everything he
says nothing does it for him anymore his sex life was when he was 18-40 not now
and he refuses to talk about it as he says I'm always going on about the same
thing and marriage isn't just about sex, but my reply is no but it helps, I
don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore please help
o
RLR23
Hi
RJ, I too am dealing with the same problem. I have been with my husband for
several years, 3 years of marriage. We have two children, and our daily lives
consist of myself staying home with them while going to school to finish my
pre-reqs to become a nurse. I am in love with my husband as much as when I firt
fell inlove with him, maybe even more. But, I feel now often that-had I known
how the future would look, I would have never became seriously involved with
him. Our age difference is big, as he is 18 years older then me. That never
bothered me, though. I was in college, owned my own car and had -two jobs at
that time. I only became a stay-at-home mom when we decided to start our
family. As far as feeling unattracted (if that is the issue)... who knows?! I
was about 175lbs at 5'3 when we first met. I lost weight and was about 160...
Then, after my first son- who 'had', many health complications but is very
healthy now- I lost the weight and was down to 165 again. Then, after my second
son, was about 200lbs and now am 158lbs again. I look about 145ish because of
how i am built. So, I do not understand why else he only wants to have sex but
once per month and maybe twice. It is very frustrating because people have told
me that marriage is more than just sex. Yes- this is true. But, after years of
going through this and myself only being in my early 20s, Id like to at least
be touched 2-3 times per week. 3X being truthful. And, when I attempt to make a
move, he always says he is tired or other crap. I know for a fact he is not
cheating, and his schedule, he gets about 6 hours of rest a night, works very
early until early afternoon. He has put on about 20LBS in all of the years we
have been together and lost his muscle mass, but he still looks sexy to me. I
tell him all of the time. But, he doesn't always give me compliments. I
complained enough and he is getting better at it. Valentines day, I couldn't
even buy him a card because I told him that I didn't want to write something
sweet in it and not feel the same back in return and tired of feeling unwanted.
I could see that my comment hurt him pretty badly and and he ended up romancing
me so much that day. But, before that- cannot remember the last time he did.
And, has not anymore since that day. So, I am holding onto 5 hours of wonderful
until who knows, the next time. I have now begun fantasizing about 'wishing
there was a jiggalo' friend who could be at my beck-&-call when I needed to
feel the attention from someone who wanted me! But, I know that the things
stopping me are' STD's, someone always catches feelings in affairs-which for
sure wouldn't be me since I just want attention and people have big mouths'.
That is sad that these are my reasons. Then, the smaller reasons are of coarse,
my husband IS perfect in every other way. I have begged him to go to the doctor
to be seen and have his testosterone levels checked and he yelled at me and
then in another fight, said he would but would never take any pills-so the apt
would be unnecessary. He has some emotional baggage as he his first wife has
passed away - they were not together though when she passed. Plus, he had a
rough upbringing and is not close at all with his mother, and does not know who
his biological father is. But, I too come with childhood baggage as I spent
many years in foster care. So, I have emotional issues too and feeling unwanted
is the ugliest feeling. Bottom line as I could go on and on for soooo much
longer, I don't know how many more years I can spend going through this sexless
marriage. It will never change and I feel guilty and selfish to leave over sex.
But, it would be different if there were some medical condition as to why he
doesn't want to. But, there isn't. He could exercise to get his libido up, see
a doctor, watch porn with me-which he refuses because he is embarrassed. Only
one time in all of our years because he was drunk. It doesn't help to have two
people who are self conscious about their bodies but I love myself now and hate
that the person I love most doesn't make me feel like he loves my body. I
actually remember thinking to myself on our wedding day, which I eloped for him
to have a small wedding at a chapel since he had a huge wedding already.
Anyhow- I thought to myself, "If I get married, I know that my sex life is
over'. He already was maybe wanting to fool around once per week-maybeeeeee.
Now, it is once per month. How can you be SO in love with your spouse but not
want to please them? I even wonder if he wants me to cheat so he can end this
and blame it on me. But, then the way he romances me when he does with romance
(not sex)- its pure love. How can you leave someone over sex? But, IF your
spouse doesn't like sex, why is it okay to not let you fool around, then?
Something has got to give, right?!
o RJ
It's
nice to know that we are not alone, but since I wrote this I've tried not to
blame myself or ask for sex but just let it be, because its me that's getting
frustrated not my husband, I've also read some men's point of view as my
husband won't talk about it, it would seem men want a women that pleases them
in simple ways to show love and then in response love comes back, simple things
like a cup of coffee, special cooked meal, keep house clean etc my husband
likes being called husband, darling or other pet names so simple but may work,
some things my husband would like me to do I think are now old fashioned as
women aren't pushed into the kitchen all day anymore they have a voice too but
having an older man they like to be incontrol, me being 11 years younger cannot
get use to letting my husband have the last word or let him b the man of the
house, but I'm going to try because who cares who wins, one day he may realise
its not about winning its about love and working together.
o
o
lookingforoptions
me
and my husband have been togther for 4 yrs. married 1 1/12... since we started
dating sex has been an issue. at first the amount of sex didnt bother me we had
sex on the weekends when i visted him because he worked nights and i lived an
hr away,but then i started seeing him more often i noticed the sex didnt come
more frequent.. even after we moved n together and started working the same hrs
of the day, we have for yrs only had sex once or twice a month, and sometimes
months at a time w no sex or intimacy. he has an addictio to teasing me and
touching, but not even what id classify as foreplay! well the first couple yrs
id lay and wait naked for him, and hed basically just tell me to stop touching
him because he hadnt showered.. i didnt care he could shower when we were thru,
but no he wuld just keep telling me to stop, i could get him rock hard, and hed
tell me to stop, and then hed fall asleep, so over the yrs i get mad when he
touches me sexually cuz i know hes just teasing me, and when it comes down to
having sex ill be left hot and bothered and hell be sleeping. no sex.. not even
play. i cannot get off easily with sex alone, unless im on top, which hurts my
legs and back from i wreck i had, so normally he takes care of me first then we
have sex. bottom line is now he gets mad cuz i dont try anymore, i dont lay
naked and wait on him, of just start getting intimate with him anymore ...
which i true because when i do he turns me down, im tired ofbeing tuned down so
i stopped trying to intice him every day, i used to have to cry and literally
beg for sex, and i shuldnt have to so i just dont anymore, i usually get so
sexually frystrated i basically just tell him we have to have sex!! we have
too! so sexs is are only downfall. only thing we fight about.. ive even
thretaened to leave him, because ive tried,god knows ive tried, as much as
possible, ive offered to do anything he wants to make it better... to try
anything that would make him want to have sex w me. having sex is like work to
him. he has issues with confidence in his genital size. like he doesnt please
me.. it is mall but i dont tell him that. ive never even joked about it cuz i
know its a sensitive issue. i lik ehis size its perfect for what i like. im not
so much into genital on genital, unless its like doggy style, id rather use
hands or mouth.. sorry if thats to much detail.. and hes the same way. but he
just doesnt have interest in sx, and when he does its always bad timing, or he
hasnt showered and hes to lazy to take a shower, and if we have sex then he has
to shower afterwards and hed rather sleep. he does have high blood pressure and
sum anxiety, the meds he was taking was prozac but we had it switched to meds
that dont supress sex drive. so he got alot more flirty and handsy but the
actual act of sex, didnt improve. hes laways been that way.. hes all talk, the
biggest perv ever, loved porn, but sees sex as work. he buys me toys all the
time, but im not gonna use them with him n the bed sleeping next to me. and he
knows i touch myself after he falls asleep becuase he wont touch me. so now hes
alays hinting he wnats sex or wants me to go down on him, but i never know if
hes seriously cuz he says it when we have company in a joking manner, and then
he doesnt shower so i assume no shower means no fun. cuz thats how its always
happened. so weve had numerous talks.. each time he promises to make it up to
me, or try more... but he never does... i know hs not cheating on me, he doesnt
even masterbate.... he has no issue getting it up, or releasing it, or getting
in the mood, just issues with being to lazy to put in the effort, he stated the
other day he doesnt like alwyas having to do all the work, cuz i dont get on
top much at all, because of some sorenss in my legs, but i wuld do it everytime
if it meant wed have sex more.. he thinks i want it daily, and i dont.. i want
it a few times a week, atleast once a week, and not on a schedule,it should
just be natural, but if i want it i basically have to say this weekend, and if
it dont happen hes tomorrow, then tomorrow turs into tuesday, then into
wednesday, then into the weekend again, then a month later finally it happens
but i dont get off so then we fight and i get punished by having to wait a month
again.. i even told him ive had thought of sleeping with other ppl. which i
have not done... i couldntimagine life with out him, i love him, he loves me,
tells me im beautiful and sexy everyday multiple times a day, but he thinks
buying me things is good enough to show me, and no matter what i say or do, or
explain to him that i need sex... i dont know what to do, its to the point that
im going to either leave and loose my husband or cheat on him just to be
intimate and show someone the love i want to give to him. ive tried before to
just take charge and just jump on him, but but hes turned me away, so do u
blame me for giving up? weve been doing this for almost 4 yrs, we dont fight
about money, or being jealous, or friends or family.. just sex. please help
me...
o
Worriedmomof2
Suddenly
after 11 years of rocky marriage but always strong chemistry and great sex
life, my husband is different. He has stopped going down on me which he has
always said he loved to do and insist on...and he's a bit rough and seems to
only want me to go down on him. For 2 months during this time we were having
sex almost everyday. Now nothing at all(he doesn't even talk about being
intimate with me like the past) He would beg and plea when I was so tired and
now nothing. I cry every night, our marriage is still rocky in other ways, now
this? I have that gut instinct he's been cheating for awhile now...I feel like
I don't even know my husband anymore. Very depressed :( I found a throw away
cell phone with texts back and fourth from him and a girl that was dated over
the summer(we had been separated for domestic violence for the 5th time) I've
been a victim for so long I have lost my self esteem for real this time. I mean
I'm not trying to boast but he's the overweight one, not me...I am older by 4
years though and still am physical fit. I'm just so confused and wish I knew
for sure what's going on!!!! Please help with any ideas
dawnmichael
It
sounds like you are in a very unhealthy marriage have you sought help for
yourself?
o
·
JNB
I'm
sorry to hear all that but I can tell you what you need to do but until you are
ready and truly fed up, you won't! It sounds like you know what's going on but,
like I said, don't want to do what you need to do....LEAVE!!! None of that is
healthy!
o
·
Hurt and confused
I
need help understanding why my husband would rather watch porn then touch me??
I really wouldn't care about the porn if he were giving it up..? Also he sneaks
and then lies when I catch him.. I have offered to watch it with him.. I don't
get it! It hurts me to the core. I am to the point where I am going to buy
myself a toy and say screw it!! We have been married 6 years together for 7. He
hasn't worked since May 2012. I don't nag him about not having a job. I guess
it is just a slap in the face that the man I love with all my being would
rather watch these fake little ACTORS then have sex with his wife. Please
help!!!
o
dawnmichael
He
has a problem and probably he did before he met you. It is not alright that he
is replacing the intimacy of watching porn rather then being with you. The
situation is not going to get better, somethings needs to be done you are worth
more than what you are getting, love is a two way street. He sounds like he
needs to get some help.
o
Sustain
I
feel that my husband is cheating on me because I have been asking him about so
many calls that were made to him on his cell phone, about condoms in his car,
receipts for buying condoms I found in his car
o
o
Sustain
I
feel that my husband is cheating on me because I have been asking him about so
many calls that were made to him on his cell phone, about condoms in his car,
receipts for buying condoms I found in his car
o Flag
o Like
o Reply
o Delete
·
anon
i
married my husband 3 years ago. He has always been really shallow and of course
had his picture of how women should behave, but after both of us gaining weight
he doesn't want to have sex anymore, or do anything I want at all ( cleaning,
helping me with other household tasks, kids) I have a lot of younger brothers
who are minors that have a lot in common with this man, which has turned me
into what he calls a crazy nagging bitch. I refuse to entertain his fantasies
of a threesome. We had involved porn until I was taken out of the equation. I
find that his standards of upkeep in this relationship are quite high and seem
to have escalated over time, I wonder if it will continue. He doesn't want
therapy. I am getting a divorce, I am convinced that there is someone who can
do his fair share and be satisfied with what he has and not want more or want
me to apply unfair effort. If there isn't that's ok too.
o Flag
o Like
o Reply
o Delete
·
dawnmichael
If
he is not willing to work on the marriage and the two of you get help then your
options are to leave or stay and be unhappy, I would at this point suggest
getting a divorce.
o Flag
o Like
o Reply
o Delete
·
dom
Here's
an interesting experiment to try... for each comment posted here, substitute
the word "woman" for "man", "wife" for
"husband", "girlfriend" for boyfriend"... you get the
idea. Now re-read the comments and see if you think differently. Fact is, if
it's a MAN complaining about lack of sex from his wife/girlfriend, feminist
dogma has "taught" us that the root-cause must have something to do
with the man. We also see that if it's a woman complaining about lack of sex
then, you guessed it, it must somehow be the man's fault as well. Is it any wonder
more and more men are just throwing their hands up and saying "no" to
marriage?
o
skain12
After
reading this article I realized that I wasn't the only one. Same
scenerio...hubby and I used to have sex a couple of times a week. We have been
together for 6 years married for 1 1/2 years, A week after our wedding I found
him texting an ex from over 15 years ago. At the same time I found out I was
pregnant, we now have a 7 month old baby and still havent had sex. I can count
on 1 hand how many times we had sex in a year. We do have trust issues, he has
told me in the past that I have a high sex drive. I guess his way of trying to
put the blame on me, before I used to think I was some sex crazed maniac now I
see that it's him and I just need to leave and find someone better.
dawnmichael
Sex
is a natural part of a relationship.
o
AngieMarie08
My
case may be a little different but altogether painful and frustrating as well.
My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together 6 years. He was
diagnosed with an std before we met (due to his wild young days),and I was a
virgin. I can tell you being with someone that has an std comes with so many
risks and issues, but I loved him despite knowing that. Thankfully, I have not
caught it in all the years we've been together because we've been so cautious
and careful, but it has put our sex life nearly next to nothing.
I don't want to be selfish and make him feel bad about himself than he already
does about it, but I can't help but feel angry that I have a man, who had slept
with others frequently in his past, but won't even have sex with me, his wife,
in that same enthusiasm. He says he cares too much about me, and loves me too
much, too ever take the risk in giving it to me, so this is why we abstain from
sex often. BUT there are times when he's clear of breakouts, and we're both not
tired from work,etc and there's plenty of opportunities for him to initiate but
he doesn't. You would think after abstaining we'd be at each other like crazy,
but we aren't. I love him for being so cautious and careful with me, but at the
same time I feel so unwanted and so unattractive. I always have to beg, or just
hope that he would want to be in the mood. I don't initiate on the days he's
clear because I get rejected (ex: I'm working tomorrow early, I'm tired..).
When I get really frustrated it turns into a fight and he says I always
pressure him for it and that I don't understand. I do understand, I understand
taking every precaution there is, but it doesn't mean we cut out sex completely
for MONTHS. He was always wanting to have sex when we were dating and early
year of our marriage, so I don't understand why he's held me at a distance
these years. It makes me angry that I can't even have my husband the way a wife
should. I try never to blame him for having an STD because he feels horrible
about it, but he lets it take a hold of our intimacy completely where sometimes
I don't even remember how it feels to have sex. He just doesn't understand that
him being overly cautious makes me feel completely rejected. I get jealous and
angry from other women because I think that they catch my husband's attention
and yet he doesn't even have sex with me for months. It's caused me to be so
insecure about myself and he doesn't see that. Because of how I feel about this
issue, we fight constantly about it. I just don't understand why he wouldn't
want to have sex with me as soon as he's clear?
I am in so much pain about this. I love him so much but I don't feel loved
enough for my husband to want to make love to me. I feel ashamed for wanting to
have sex. Him having an std is hard enough to handle, the risk I'm putting
myself, but I told him I loved him for who he was, and not for his past
mistakes and that we would be able to work past that. But I didn't expect our
sex life to be non-existent and me feeling so unwanted and rejected. When we do
finally do do it, it's always only the weekend and I already know another LONG
wait is what's next because he never wants to do it more than once a month it
seems. I never thought it would be this way. It's that in between time that he
has the chance to have sex with me, and doesn't. That's what hurts the most.
oZee
My
husband is the exact same way only he does not have an STD. And we have a baby
now too, but she sleeps well and there are plenty of chances for us to be
intimate but he doesn't jump on it or try to intiate anything its always me and
I get rejected so all in all it hurts so much more knowing nothings wrong or
apprently wrong and he still won't have sex with me, I don't understand it.
o
mimi
hi,am
exactly having the same problem i can't understand why??i ve been married
almost for 5 years now.the first year we had sex almost every day and sometimes
two times a days but now once in 10 days or sometimes longer then that. he
knows that i really love him even he had plenty girls in his life i told him
past is gone, plus am only 23 years old i wear ssize 8-10 exactly like he
want.he always saying that he loves me and when i ask him why u don't want to
make love with me then, his answer always NOyou wrong who told you that.am
confuse.......during the day he smile ask me to go out , take our 2 kids to
play but no kisses no sex no thing.am in pain really if i dont have kids with
him i would divorce and get married someone who like to have sex.
dawnmichael
Hi
Angie, I am sorry that you are going through this and I have some suggestions
for you as well as for others. When I do intimacy counseling wit couples one of
the best exercise that I suggest is to sit down with your husband and tell him
that you want to try something new with your intimate life. Suggest that during
each week you are going to be responsible for initiating one night of sexual
intimacy and then he is responsible for another night. What this does is it
takes the pressure off who is asking and who is getting the rejection as well
as just setting the boundaries for working on the marriage. when I talk about
who night it is, this is about intimacy and that person makes the rules, it could
be a simple back massage or foreplay intercourse, role play, but two things
have fun and connect with each other again!
R
I'm
a male, not interested in sex with my wife. None of the above reasons are
correct. My reason is that my wife is manipulative, nagging, moody, and nothing
I ever do is good enough. Her bitchyness is a huge turnoff. She is the problem,
not me. I'd want to make love if she were loving, sweet, kind, giving, SUBMISSIVE,
and sexy. That's what attracted me to her before I married her, right? Before
marriage and during the newlywed period, there were no problems, no sexual
boundaries, all passion, and she loved to please me. Now, she is moody, tired,
nagging, has a long list of things she will not do in bed, and does not keep
herself up. She got fatter, her personality changed for the worse, she closed
up sexually, she does not make herself sexy, and I'm to blame for not being
interested in sex with her? It's her damn fault. I'm very interested in sex,
but not with her. She did this to both of us.
o
Ame
Im
just curious, has she asked you why you dont want to have sex with her and if
she has have you told her these reasons? Youre wife may be different but for
me, at this point i just want to know whats going on and why he wont have sex
with me. Its causing me mental and physical stress. Sleepless nights,
depression and anger. If he told me it was my attitude or my body i would maybe
have a little hurt feelings but would be glad that i knew why.
o
T
Ha!
You sound just like my husband, than don't get pissed off when she finds what
she needs else where!
o
Dixie
Reading
these stories, I can see that I'm not alone in feeling this way.
o
helpless
What
do I do with this? I basically poured my heart out to my husband about
something that has been bothering me since we were dating (10 years together-7
years of marriage) and recently has bothered me a lot more. His responses to my
letter are in CAPS. Let me preface with that fact that he is a "task
oriented engineer and doesn't need sex."
If you want to know what I am thinking and what does make me upset, it is that
you don’t see me as a person. I am just someone who is supposed to keep the
house moving and get things done. When we communicate (which is not often) THEN
SCHEDULE IT OR MAKE IT PART OF A ROUTINE BECAUSE WHEN ELSE ARE WE GOING TO DO
IT? you don’t look at me or only make eye contact with me for a brief second,
you rarely smile at me, you rarely try to make me feel good, you rarely do nice
things for me NAME A PERIOD IN OUR RELATIONSHIP WHERE I ROUTINELY DID THOSE
THINGS. IF YOU WANT ME TO SPOUT IT OFF AS PART OF A CHECK-IN PROCEDURE LIKE
ANDY DOES IT I'M NOT GOING TO DO IT. ASK YOURSELF THIS, 'WHEN DO YOU DO THOSE
THINGS?' AND I THINK YOU WILL HAVE YOUR EXPLANATION AS TO WHY YOU DON'T RECEIVE
IT. (apart from the recent flower delivery which felt forced-by that I mean I
think you can tell I am not happy but you don’t know why so you just send flowers
to make up for it. I was actually really annoyed that you sent those flowers
REALLY?...WTF? IT'S VALENTINES DAY!). Honestly, I feel like I am invisible to
you. You don’t desire me, you don’t think I am sexy, you don’t notice when I
look nice or do my hair or wear make-up. You don’t make me feel special. You
never touch me in a loving manner unless it is scheduled (bedtime and goodbye
in the morning). We might as well be plutonic. I'M TASK ORIENTED...I'VE NEVER
BEEN THIS WAY. NOT SURE WHY YOU'VE ONLY NOTICED NOW. THERE'S A MILLIONS
DIFFERENT THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DONE AND I CAN'T TURN IT OFF LONG ENOUGH TO
DESIRE ANYTHING...OTHER THAN GETTING THINGS DONE.
All of these things REALLY matter to me (I am overwhelmed with emotion and
almost in tears writing this). I want to be desired, I want to feel like you
think I am sexy. I want you to have uncontrollable urges to be with me, kiss me
all over, rub eachother down with hot oil, grab my hair, throw me up against a
wall, rip my clothes off, whatever floats your boat ( I even want to be able to
turn you down once in a while). I want you to want to touch me and come up
behind me and give me kisses (which you do do very occasionally when I cook
dinner), gently rub my shoulders, or touch or brush up against me when you walk
by. I want to feel like I am special to you and that you value me for me.
THERE'S ALOT OF 'I WANTS' IN THERE. AGAIN, HAVE I EVER BEEN THIS WAY? WERE YOU
THINKING I'D IMPROVE WITH AGE?
You never really have been wired this way, I know that none of this stuff
really matters to you (but it does to me!) and I always dismissed it-even when
we were dating because of your other qualities-you are so intelligent and you
always argue the rational point of view; you see through religion; you use common
sense; faced with a mechanical problem you can always find a solution; you like
to work with your hands and do things yourself rather than paying someone else;
you have an amazing attention to detail; you like to be outdoors, go camping,
skiing and spend time with the kids. Those are all things I love about you, but
the way you look through me is starting to drive me crazy. I want these things
and you seem to be incapable of (or just don’t want to) give them to me-this is
not the first time I have brought this issue up. I am just being much more
detailed this time. I CAN'T JUST FLIP A SWITCH. IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT, SO I
CAN TRY TO DO THOSE THINGS BUT IT'S ALWAYS GOING TO FEEL FORCED, BECAUSE IT IS.
IT'S FOREIGN TO ME. I DON'T NEED IT LIKE YOU DO SO I DON'T KNOW A NATURAL WAY
OF IMPLEMENTING. IF YOU REALLY NEED THESE THING YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO TEACH
ME LIKE TEACHING A CHILD. I'M NOT SAYING I CAN'T LEARN BUT IT'S GOING TO TAKE
SOME HAND-HOLDING. THIS DOESN'T MEAN I DON'T NEED YOU. I DO. I JUST DON'T HAVE
A DESIRE TO HAVE MY CLOTHES RIPPED OFF OR BE RUBBED ALL OVER. I DON'T NEED
CONTANT RE-ASSURANCE. I THINK YOU'D BE VERY HARD-PRESSED TO FIND ANY MARRIED
COUPLE THAT ACTS THE WAY YOU ARE EXPECTING US TO ACT INTIMATELY. SPONTANEITY
AND I ARE LIKE OIL AND WATER...I'M NEVER JUST GOING TO GET A HARD-ON AT THE
MERE SIGHT OF YOU WHERE I NEED TO RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF AND GO AT IT. I WOULDN'T
DO THAT IF I WAS SINGLE AND (INSERT HOT CELEBRITY'S NAME HERE) WAS
PROPOSITIONING ME IN A NIGHT CLUB. THAT'S LIKE ASKING YOU TO BELIEVE IN CHRIST
OUR SAVIOR. IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME YOU WOULD...RIGHT?? NOT. YOU KNOW WHY THERE
ARE SO MANY MOVIES OUT THERE TALKING ABOUT ONE CHEATING ON THE OTHER BECAUSE
THE SPARK JUST ISN'T THERE ANY MORE...YADA-YADA-YADA. IT'S BECAUSE IT'S A UNIVERSAL
CONSTANT. THOSE THAT MAKE IT WORK...ACTUALLY MAKE IT WORK. SCHEDULE IT, PART OF
A ROUTINE. OR LEARN TO LIVE WITHOUT IT.
I know we are busy and tired and never have time, but even when we try to make
time you always seem not to really care. IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY THEN I CARE BUT I
DON'T NEED THOSE THINGS. I always have to make the effort. Like when we went
out for Valentine’s Day-if it hadn’t been for that bartender being so
friendly-I don’t know what we would have talked about. I felt like we had nothing
to discuss and I hate that. I want to be madly in love with you and I want you
to be madly in love with me and I do not feel like we are even close right now.
We are very similar in some ways and I feel so connected to you, but we are
complete opposites in others and so far apart. This works well sometimes, but
other times (lately more so than not) it completely blows up in our faces.
Sometimes I wonder if we will even make it to 10 years…FUNNY,...I WOULD HAVE
NEVER THOUGHT THAT.
TELL YOU WHAT...IF YOU CAN SEE YOURSELF GETTING TO A POINT WHERE EVERYTHING HAS
TO BE IN THE PROPER PLACE AND ORGANIZED BEFORE YOU FEEL COMFORTABLE, THEN I
THINK I COULD GET TO A PLACE WHERE I CAN BE LOVEY-DOVEY ON A REGULAR BASIS.
IT'S A TWO-WAY STREET.
o
AC
Hello
to all you stressed out ladies, Im sorry to say but the reasons listed on this
site for a man not wanting sex are pretty spot on. Im male and in my forties. I
separated after 20 yrs in a bad relationship. My ex had a high sex drive and I
got my self to a point where I could "will an erection away"- no matter
what she tried I could make it deflate- I just didnt want to be intimate with
her. My existance felt painful and i resented her getting any pleasure from it.
We should have seperated well before this- it was a mistake to hang in their so
long. I went thru a "single" period where I was actually seeing 7 or
8 women and satisfying them all. I was rampant. I put on weight, got more
stressed at work and started to doubt my ability to satisfy. I hate the way I
look now and cant "perform' like i used to. I would rather pretend I have
a sore back than have disappointing sex! What was once something I so needed
and wanted with as many partners as I could has became a millstone of self
doubt. If your a normal healthy happy lady you should get sex... if your not,
it may not be your fault!! I have so tried not to make ladies I have been with
feel that my lack of desire is their fault- but I can see how they think its
them- its pretty tough for a man to say they have issues- its easier to say
"your boring", "wont try new things" etc etc. I know from
past experiences that the way a man "encourages" and stimulates is
more to do with what they get- get a lady aroused enough and she will go for
most things! Plz dont blame your self- It all becomes a negative depressing spiral.
I cheated on my wife, in the final days of our relationship, Im not proud but
Im not sorry. I at least know I have it in me to pleasure a woman fully- I just
need my mojo and self esteem back. Be gentle with yourselves and its probably
more him than you. try to keep smiling and dont be scared to leave and start
over- we only live once.
o
Tor!
Thank
you so much for saying that. Those were words that I really needed to hear.
o
dawnmichael
Thank
you for the comment on this from a man's perspective. I counsel many men that
have sexual issues, and this is part of why I wrote the article to begin with,
because it is not a topic that many people understand, and yes it is easier for
the man to make his wife feel responsible, not because he is a bad person, but
some men are confused as to what is wrong with them as well. In our society we
can see sex everywhere but to really understand the complexity of human
sexuality, emotion and relationships is something completely different. As men
age there feeling towards sex, sexuality changes, they want more intimacy, and
if they feel bad about themselves or have sexual issues they may not know how
to tell their wife!
o
hana
Here
is goes... Husband and I have been married for 5 years. Over the last 3 months
his sex drive has gone down. December we travel for two weeks to amazing Costa
rica, and we had sex once. He works a lot and its always tired. I never do
initiate sex because over the last 5 years he has always been the one. So I
don't want to get rejected, and feel even worse. Plus I'm not a very sexual
person over all. I'm very affectionate towards him, we still hold each other at
night, kiss and say " I love you". The problem is that our first year
of marriage there was an affair on his part. So, even though I believe that he
wont do that again, I still feel that he is not completely happy with me
sexually. Could be cuz I'm very boring in bed and never really try nothing new.
I don't feel like I should change who I am. I am comfortable with him being the
very sexual one, but now that has change. Even when he did had the affair, he
never stop coming on to me. So, I'm very confuse. Please help. The only thing
he tells me is that hi's been really tired and stress at work. But he goes to
the gym almost everyday, so thats why I don't get it.
o
BB
My
husband and I have been married now for 8 years, When we were first together
like everyone else has said it was all the time and he couldnt get enough. He
used to come home on is lunch break just to be with me and after having two
children its has slowed to once or twice a month. We have wanted to have another
child and talk about how badly we want it and that seems the only time of the
month that there is an action in the bedroom. I have talked to him, cried and
yelled and nothing seems to change. He promises everytime that things will
change that he will make sure things are different and instead it seems like Im
left out in the cold and hurting :( I just wish he knew how much it hurts me
when this is happening. I feel for all of you and im hoping for all of our
sakes that our husbands will figure out whats going on so that we can have a
normal loving marriage.
o
Le
Hi
it's nice to see there are other women out there with this problem too. Me and
my husband have been together 13 years and married 9. He has never had a high
sex drive but for the last few years I'm lucky if he wants it every few months
I feel so unloved and so unattractive. I'm 32 and slim and when I go out with
the girls I get a lot of attention from other men but my self esteem is so low
due to the constant rejection from my husband.
I have become so jealous and constantly feel jealous about women at his work
etc as it makes me paranoid about him having an affair etc.
We argue about it every few months but all it does is upset me and nothing
changes.
I have suggested if its not me and his not having an affair he needs to go to
the doctors but it never happens.
He hardly ever wakes up with a erection!!
Any help and advice would be great as I love my husband but all I keep thinking
is I'm 32 now and if we do nothing it's only going to get worse by the time I'm
40 my sex life may be over.
I miss the closeness.
o
Me
I
can so relate to this.. My husband never wants to have sex with me and its
heart breaking and I'm getting really angry and resentful. I am attractive and
many other guys would want me but I love my husband.. I bring it up every so
often and he just gets mad and its even worse.. I don't know what to do.. It's
always been this way even when we were dating but has gotten even worse since
marriage
dawnmichael
You
need to make a decision and stick to it and tell him that if he does not want
to work with this on you then the two of you need to go to counseling and if
her does not go you should go and decide if you want to stay with him. Sexual
intimacy is extremely important.
o
TAP
Well
here is goes...I've been with my husband for 17 years. He doesn't seem
interested in sex. He will say he wants to have sex but it doesn't happen. I've
tried over and over to initiate sex but keep getting rejected. We go anywhere
from 1-3 years - yes YEARS without having sex. He tells me I'm either too
agressive or not agressive enough. He says things like "you never tell me
what you want". The issue is I DO tell him, but then he stops and wont do
it again. When I point it out, he denys his own actions. I got him this bedside
companion book that he has read. Nothing!!! He seems to be more into having sex
if I let him just lift my dress, screw me and he walks away about a minute
later. No foreplay or anything to make it a mutual experience. I've tried
letting him just to see if it brings about a change in his attitude but it has
never worked. He has told me that he is a very visual man and if I would just
loose weight then he would be more interested. I am NOT overweight by any means
but did loose a little to see if that made a difference but again, NOTHING. My
husband is the one that is overweight by quite a bit. He has always been heavy
and I never complain. I just support him in any diet he wants to try. He won't
go to the Doctor to see if anything is wrong. I'm so frustrated and can't keep
this up much longer. I want to have mutually enjoyable sex. I'm at the point
where if he doesn't do something soon, I'm thinking of leaving. He makes
sarcastic comments to me all the time and it never seems like I can do anything
right. He likes cyber porn way too much. He did go to counseling for a few
sessions. His counselor wanted me to come with him so I went. My husband kept
talking over me and when the counselor pointed it out that I could speak for
myself and then asked me if he ever lets me talk, I answered truthfully and
said that he always talks over me like I don't exist or have an opinion.
Needless to say, he never went back because he said there was not a problem any
longer. Even my friends have pointed out his actions and my frustrations. What
should I do?????
o
Esther
My
husband and I have been married for almost 6 months. You would think that being
newlyweds, things would be "hot" in the bedroom... but that's just
not the case for us. When I ask him why he doesn't want to have sex he doesn't
give me a straight answer. He does suffer from chronic depression and is on
medication for it. We have been struggling financially, trying to keep up on
our bills and debt we've accumulated. We seem to be just barely treading upon
water when in comes to finances. He has recently taken over our finances so
maybe that's where the libido is coming from?? I can't help but feel "not
good enough". He assures me that is not the case. He tells me "just
let it happen" "I feel like you are always in my space!" I am an
affectionate person, he is not... I am trying hard to give him his space and
not even try.... but it's still so heartbreaking. :(
o
vrock149
I've
been together with my husband for 10 years and we finally got married a few
months ago. After I found out I was pregnant, he slowly (but surely) back off
from sex. I don't know either he doesn't want to hurt the baby, or there's
something else. But I thought, during my pregnancy, he started to ignore me. What
if after the baby born?
We ever talked about it, and he felt there's nothing wrong. But it feels very
different than before I get pregnant.
Is it true that men stop having sex after we have kid? Please if anyone knows
how to prevent this, or else it'll be too little too late. Thank you, really
appreciate it.
Hurt
I
have been married for 3 years. My husband and I used to have sex regularly
while we were dating, and during the first few months of our marriage. After
things started to slow down , so much so that I'm lucky if we have sex once
every couple of months. I always hear my friends talking about how much their
husbands pursue them and want them, it makes me feel so unwanted and
un-attractive because my husband has never been like that with me. At first, I
always pursued him and tried to initiate things but I gre tired of the
rejection. We've had many conversations about this, and he always says its not
me, that he needs to seek medical attention...blah,blah,blah. The bottom line
is that he has never done anything about it. Las conversation we had about this
was 6 months ago, I told him that was the last conversation that I would have
with him about it because the fact that we always talked about it and nothing
was being done hurt me. I also told him that I would no longer pursue him
because his rejection was deeply damaging my self esteem. He promised me that
things were gonna change but they haven't. If anything, they are worse. I feel
so confused because in every other area we get a long so great , aside from
this we have a happy marriage. I love him with all my heart but this issue
hurts a lot.
o
Sol
Im
leaving the same experience. its very painfull. I dont know what to to either
:(
o
Esther
I
truely FEEL your pain... We have only been married for 6 months, together for
two years and Im lucky if we have sex once a week... We don't even have any
kids together! I wonder if it will get worse down the road??? The rejections is
heart wrenching :(
o
depressed
I
feel like I could have written that myself. I love my husband so much, and he
tells me that he still loves me and finds me attractive, but he never seems to
act on that. We're in our mid-twenties, and my friends are all married and so
happy. No one besides us knows that we are having this issue, and I just don't
know what to do anymore. I just want to feel pursued and desired. Thinking back
I wonder if he ever really did any of the pursuing, maybe it was always me
trying to get his attention. I've gone as far as trying to schedule two days a
week, but a week in and he's already trying to get out of having to have sex
with me. (He'd rather go out with his guy friends.) Makes me feel so hurt,
especially when while leaving I overheard one of his guy friends joking about
having sex with his wife on valentines day....I didn't even get so much as a
card....
I'm getting to the point where I think this is making me depressed.
o
1101jri
My
husband and I dated for five years and got married last May. We used to have
sex all the time as we were long distance and every time he would see me he
couldn't keep his hands off me. When I finally moved to where he was and we
were living together things started going downhill. Now I'm lucky if we have sex
once a month. I keep asking, and he keeps rejecting me. I ask to talk about it,
he says it's not me, but he doesn't want to talk, or he just outright blows me
off. He once said it's because he doesn't feel attractive right now because he
has weight problems, but I have always loved him no matter how big or small he
was. I cry myself to sleep each and every time he rejects me now, and my
self-esteem is getting lower and lower. Nothing has changed about me, I haven't
gained or lost any weight. I didn't do anything to alter my appearance. I do my
best to be a good, nurturing, loving, understanding wife. I do almost
everything around our home, and work, and go to school and take care of his
family. It makes me feel like I'm unattractive and worthless each time he
rejects me. I'm constantly paranoid about where he is and what he's doing
(thinking I'm going to find him cheating). I finally got up the courage to find
a therapist so I can start opening up to someone about all of this. I am too
embarassed to tell my friends, but I know that I can't continue to live this
way. I'm a good person, and I deserve to be happy in my marriage. Reading your
posts hasn't taken away my sadness, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone.
Maybe therapy can help me figure out what to do.
o
Angel
Your
post made me tear up a bit! I am going throught the same thing! We have only
been together not even 2 years yet! He had a heart attack last year, and has
been in the hopital a few times. He is a type 1 diabetic. He says he loves me,
calls me beautiful everyday, kisses and hugs me..but its just not the same as
being loved in the bedroom!! When we do it, which is rare..its just not the
same and its over before it barely began..I dont know how much more of this I
can take!!!!
o
heart broken
Hurt,
I have been going through the same exact thing for the last 2 years of my
marriage. Like you, we had sex regularly when dating. When we got married it
changed. It started on our honeymoon. I was shocked and didn't understand. He
told me it wasn't me and he didn't know why too. I don't believe it's another
woman. But I too use to initiate sex and because I was rejected so often, I
stopped initiating it too. I am lucky to have sex once a month and if I am too
be so lucky, I get it in the morning when he has a natural erection. He is not
even turned on by me, it just so happens that I am the warm flesh laying next
to him. I am so angry and so hurt. He shows me affection and shows great care
in other areas, but this one area he doesn't even bother to get help in. He
says he will get help, but never does. He says he will try to do better but he
doesn't. When do you say enough is enough? I love him so much, but the pain he
continues to cause me is so great and deep. It continues to build walls of
doubt and bitterness. He is not overweight, he is not cheating on me, he eats a
healthy diet (although he loves sweets too)....I just don't understand. I wish
I had an answer. It would make me feel better and be able to endure this pain
with much more grace and less bitterness. I want my husband to look at me and
be sexually aroused...to be passionate with me...I feel like I am so alone in
this. I have tried wearing sexy lingerie to bed and around him...he responds
with things like.."that is nice" or "are you hot?". It's
like he looks at me as though I am wall and sometimes that wall looks nice when
you change the color of the paint...I am not overweight, I am 120 lbs and very
pretty. I can say that I look pretty good for having given birth to 5 children.
I take good care of myself, wear make up most times (although I don't need
too), I dress up for him and he doesn't even acknowledge me. What am I suppose
to do? I truthfully want to leave. I never thought I would be the women who
would be tempted to go outside her marriage...but here I am..and the temptation
is always there now. I also was one that would sick when listening to other
women talk about masturbation...now it doesn't sound so bad. Does anyone have
answers?
o If you made it to the end of all of these comment there are 1500 more to come, please feel free to leave your own!
